Lyrics - Asshole by Denis Leary

Folks,
I'd like to sing a song about the
American dream.
About me,aboutyou, about the way our
American hearts beat way down in the bottom ofourchests.
About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area.
Maybe in the liver,maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon.
We don't know.
I'm just an average
Joe with a regular job
I'm your average
White suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on the table and a
Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested(
Oh no)
No way (
Uh-uh)
No,
I've got to go out and have fun
At someone else's expense(
Oh yeah)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and
I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "
How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes
I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe
I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me
I'm wrong
Naaaah!
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's the world's biggest asshole)
You know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967
Cadillac
Eldoradoconvertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interiorand big brown baby seal eyes for headlights.
Yeah!
And
I'm gonna drivearound in that baby at 115
MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking downquarter pounder cheeseburgers from
Mc
Donald's in the old-fashionednon-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when
I'm done suckin' downthose greaseball burgers,
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the
American flagand then
I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side andthere ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it.
You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why.
Two words:
Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
Russia,
Germany,
Romania-theycan have all the democracy they want.
They can have a big democracycakewalk right through the middle of
Tiananmen
Square and it won't makealick of difference because we got the bombs, okay?
John
Wayne's notdead-he's frozen.
And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonnathaw out the
Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off.
You know why?
Haveyou ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,that's how pissed off the
Duke's gonna be.
I'm gonna get the
Duke and
John
Cassavetes(
Hey)
And
Lee
Marvin(
Hey)
And
Sam
Peckinpah(
Hey)
And a case of whisky and drive down to
Texas...(
Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal!
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's the world's biggest asshole)
A-
S-
S-
H-
O-
L-
E
Everybody!
A-
S-
S-
H-
O-
L-
EArf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum
Oooh oooh
I'm an asshole and proud of it!

Return to songs by Denis Leary.