Lyrics - Asshole by Leary Denis

DENIS
LEARY -
ASSHOLE(
Spoken)
Folks,
I'd like to sing a song about the
American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our
American hearts beat way downin the bottom of our chests.
About the special feeling we get in thecockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcocklearea.
Maybe in the liver.
Maybe in the kidneys.
Maybe even in thecolon, we don't know.(
Sung)
I'm just a regular
Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No,
I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense(oh yeah)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "
How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes
I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (
He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe
I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me
I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)(
Spoken)
Know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967
Cadillac
El
Dorado,hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and bigbrown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah!
And
I'm gonna drive around inthat baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' downquarter pound cheeseburgers from
Mc
Donald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah!
And when
I'm done suckin' downthose greaseball burgers
I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out theside, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it.
You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah!
Two words--nuclear fuckin'weapons,
OK?
Russia,
Czechoslovakia,
Romania, they can have all the democracythey want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of
Tienamen
Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we gotthe bombs,
OK?
John
Wayne's not dead--he's frozen!
And when we find a cure forcancer, we're gonna thaw out the
Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off.
Youknow why?
You ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 milliontimes--that's how pissed off the
Duke's gonna be.
I'm gonna get the
Duke and
John
Casavetti and
Sam
Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...(
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song,
Chris.
I thought
I was theasshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!(
Sung)
I'm an asshole (
I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (
He's the world's biggest asshole)
A
S-
S
H-
O
L-
EEverybody,
A
S-
S
H-
O
L-
EAy
Ay-
Ay
Ay-
Ay
Ay-
Ay
A-thoom
A-thoom-thoom
A-thoom-thoom
A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo(
Spoken)
I'm an asshole and
I'm proud of it!(
Chris mouths:
Asshole)

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